Waiting

I so felt like I had it all together and here I am fretting about something that’s completely out of my control.

I feel like such a girl. In the worst possible way. It’s silly because I’ve totally figured out how I feel about the Catalyst, about how much I totally messed it all up, and what I want to tell him. I just want to spell it out to him. I don’t even want anything from him — aside from a little time. Am I kidding myself? And the last thing I need right now is to be sitting here at home thinking about it.

I made such a mess of my life this past while. I suppose it makes sense. I was in a totally codependent relationship for three and a half years. You can’t walk away from that and be totally together. So I tried to hide behind the Catalyst in the same way as I had been with the Big Love and it didn’t work. He called me on it so I ran away. It took an attempt at a non-romantic relationship for me to realize the extent to which I try to hide behind people.

So now I don’t want to do that any more. And I totally regret how I acted when I was visiting the Catalyst in the BVI. I mean, obviously I needed the time to figure it out for myself. But now that I have I feel like a bit of an idiot. Plus, I realize just how much I really do still love him. Yeah, I can try to deny it to myself, but why do that? More of this running away bullshit. So now I’m sitting here, wishing that he’d call but also knowing that he very well may not. And I need to accept that and just suck it up and get on with my work or whatever else it is that I really should be doing rather than wishing that the phone would ring.

I’ve reduced myself to a teenager. So unintentionally.

Funny. He mentioned that it might be nice for me to change his name from the Catalyst, but I don’t think he realizes just how much of a catalyst for change he really has been in my life. It’s kind of amazing. Just because he’s a Catalyst doesn’t mean that he isn’t a whole lot more too.

Bleuch. I also want to go out, but everyone’s busy. What can you do, eh?

Mmm…masochist?

I think I may be getting in over my head. I need to be careful. There’s only so much of me, and if I start spreading myself I’m going to lose it.

I’m confused this morning. I’m getting emotionally involved with too many people. Or already am? I only realized now that I spent a large chunk of last night talking about the Big Love with the man’s best friend. I’m still so emotionally involved with him, I care so much, that I do worry, and I want what’s best for him. He’s in rough shape and I want to be able to help. Except that I need to be careful not to allow myself to go too far in that direction. As much as I want him to be happy, I can’t actually make him happy. It’s not my job anyhow. I resigned from that position last Fall.

I sent a message to the Catalyst the other day. I know I shouldn’t have. He just replied telling me that he hadn’t contacted me because he was giving me my space, as I had asked. Why did I contact him? Why am I still clinging to that? It makes me feel bad. I don’t feel like I can be myself with him, and yet I can’t let go. Am I really this masochistic? It’s totally fucked.

And now there are more people coming out of the woodwork. And I need to watch myself. I love spending time with people, having fun. I love getting to know people intimately. I mean, that’s just the way I work. I’ve always been a one-on-one kind of girl. But now I realize that I have to be really careful about who I spend how much time with.

The Man just pointed out that yes, it is bad to be emotionally involved with this many people and that I need closure. I need closure with the Big Love, I need closure with the Catalyst. I’m no longer in relationships with these people. It’s over. With the former, it can be possible. It’s just that there’s still a part of me that can’t let go of that closeness we have. I still love him so much. BUT I can see myself slipping. We have fun together, it’s comfortable, and I actually enjoy taking care of other people. Right now there isn’t anyone else in my life who needs my mothering. However, that’s no excuse for me to be going right back to the same pre-existing pattern. And I know that he doesn’t want mothering — at least on a conscious level. But he is still coming to me when he’s down, and I’m willingly helping him because I still love him. It’s not healthy. As much as I want to spend time with him, I really shouldn’t do it until he’s much stronger and I actually know what I’m doing. The fact that I can still say that he’s the best person I’ve spent time with in my life and the only person I’ve ever been able to imagine a long term future with makes it pretty clear that I’m not entirely past it. Yes, I love him. Yes,  we’re great friends. But no, I can’t allow myself to be as emotionally involved with him as I’m becoming again. It’s bad for me.

So on to the Catalyst. Why did I contact him again? Because I was curious? Am I over him? Not at all. Does anyone really kick an addiction? I think it’s mostly a matter of will power that keeps you away. And clearly I have less of that than I had hoped. Is it because of the way he says he feels about me? Because of the way he makes me feel? I get knotted up just thinking about him. Did I ever really love him, or was it just an obsession? But then there is the issue of closure. There wasn’t any. I told him I needed space, and he gave it to me. I think need to see him in the flesh to get past it. Sex? Maybe. That’s the worst part. I still really want to sleep with him.

I’m a masochist. Everything can be going amazingly in my life and yet I somehow seek out things to hurt me. So I can hurt myself.

It plays out differently in every relationship. At some times it’s more overt than at others. I think the way it’s revealing itself right now is far healthier than the underground ways of the past. I want to be hurt. So hurt my physically (with boundaries, obviously). But this emotional pain that I cause for myself is just so demented. The Catalyst makes me feel like shit, and so I gravitate toward him? How messed up is that? The Big Love is in rough shape, so I take his anguish into myself? What the hell am I doing?

Do I really enjoy feeling bad? Do I enjoy feeling jealously? Obviously I feel it. I mean, I care about the people I’m with. I really do care about the Man. I may believe that I’m not in any danger of falling in love with him, but falling in love and caring deeply for someone aren’t one and the same. I care very much for him. I don’t want him to get hurt. I don’t want to hurt him. And yet I sort of expect him to hurt me.

There’s this odd balance that we’ve started to maintain. Sometimes it’s sort of sweet and connected, sometimes it’s fucking intense, at other times almost like we’re nothing more than friends, and sometimes it just feels bad. But the times when it feels bad aren’t when we’re actually together. It’s only been good when we’re physically in one another’s presence. The times I feel bad are those moments when I consider him with someone else. Not physically — I don’t actually care about that. Emotionally. I don’t want to be unknowingly ousted. But whenever we talk about it, it’s pretty clear where we’re at. I think to an extent I actually relish the tension and fear. Part of me wants to get hurt, but the rest of me know that’s fucked up.

Addiction

Why is it that there are some relationships with some people that just don’t work the way you want them to?

I seem not to know what I’m doing when it comes to the Catalyst. I sent him a message on Valentine’s Day telling him that I can’t do this any more. I avoided going on msn because I didn’t want to talk to him. But today I’m sitting here and I’ve been online and he pops up and gets upset with me because “the only thing he wants is for me to be happy and be myself” and that’s exactly what I can’t be when I’m with him.

Why can’t I be myself with him? Maybe it’s because it was so soon after things with the Big Love that I didn’t really know who I was. I was so swept away with his professions of love that all I wanted was to be this person — this wonderful girl who wasn’t flirtatious, and had eyes only for him; who wasn’t really insecure and didn’t need to have academic conversations to be happy. I think the problem is that I so badly wanted him, and the feeling that he gave (gives) me, that I would do anything to change, really. But he doesn’t want me to change. And I’m no good at sticking up for myself, so when he’d get on my case about being snooty or academic or whatever else he got at me about, it would really go deep and make me feel like it was a true flaw, when it’s just part of who I am.

What really gets me now is that there’s a big part of me that it truly still addicted to him, but then the rest of me knows that it isn’t healthy. If he makes me feel bad, then I should just let go of it. Yet, every time I talk to him I feel as though I need to keep the connection going, that somehow I’d be losing something really huge if I just walk away. Fortunately he gets that I need to deal with this — that I need to figure out how to be myself — and is willing to give me the space that I need. I do still want to see him in April. I think. He’ll be in town for a few days before my meditation course, so depending on what happens in my life between now and then, I’ll at least have the option.

One last time? Or is that really bad?

I’m getting annoyed with titles

I just came all the way out to Loyola campus to return my mini-disk player, only to discover that they closed the equipment depot at 1:15 (it’s past 3pm now). And they’re closed all weekend and I leave town on Sunday. SHIT! I wonder what sort of penalty there is for keeping equipment? I wonder if  the friendly guy who works there will let me have it for the week. I just need to figure out how to contact him. (I already think he’s got a thing for me… what’s wrong with using my charms a little?).

I had this epiphany yesterday that when I go to Toronto I could call the old high school reliable up, and see if he’s game for some play. But then I went on facebook and discovered that he has a girlfriend, and he’s actually no longer as attractive as he was when we were younger. Not to mention that I’ve always found him a little dull; that’s why it never really worked in the first place, and why I unfortunately managed to string the poor boy along for pretty much the entirety of our young lives. He’s so cute and sweet and liked me so much. I was attracted to him, but just didn’t find him that interesting. Shame, really.

Work last night was incredibly painful. It was a McGill Law charity event organized by one of the twins. There were lots of incredibly douchey guys there, and even more unbelievably straight girls. It was the closest thing to a high school dance that I’ve been to since, well… high school. I was really annoyed and bitter after having decided that I would proclaim my singledom and email the Catalyst to cut things off. I don’t know why it made me so cranky, but it did. Having lots of sloppy drunk law students to serve wasn’t exactly my ideal night.

So I got tipsy. Amazon Bartender and I did shots once it got to the point when I felt I was going to have to kill myself. I got silly drunk and got pretty sassy. It was rather amusing giving everyone shit. Big Daddy kept on laughing at me.

I should get to work though. I have to finish off my draft for journalism and email it to the teacher.

Plus I’m debating whether I should go to yoga or go and chill with Tattoo Guy. I know I should do the former, but I want to do the latter. Hmmm…

Post-session ranting

It’s amazing how my cousellor knows just the right question to ask. I started off telling her how great my past couple of weeks have been. They really have been great, and I described the dynamic that Tattoo Guy and I have, the reasons why I feel we clicked, and more than that the confidence I feel in myself at the moment for just being who I am. I don’t feel like I need to shy away from being myself, contradictions and all. And it’s a great feeling to have.

What’s interesting is that I ended up talking about how much it differs from my relationship with the Catalyst, which I’m still confused about. I have no idea why I’m still hanging on to it. I don’t feel like I’m enough for him just the way I am. It’s as though he has this uncanny ability to see the little things in me that I may not be certain about, and bring them out, turning me into a doubting mess. The academic snob things, the snootiness, the flirtation: these are actually things I’m fine with. I love learning, and knowledge and I’m a huge dork. It doesn’t mean that I have anything against people who don’t have university degrees, it just means that I like talking about interesting intellectual topics, which not everyone can join me in. I’m sorry if I change a little around different people. But don’t make me feel like shit because I talk to different sets of people in different ways. And the flirting. I don’t get propositioned. I don’t have negative attention. I usually have guys tell me that they think I’m super cute, and often leave it at that. I don’t feel like the attention I pay to guys is imbued with sex. I think I’m just a really friendly girl, and that perhaps the Catalyst is misreading the way that I interact with people. I can’t believe how shitty he has made me feel about a lot of things. Sure, I feel like melting when I talk to him and he does make me supremely happy and gives me butterflies and all that, but I think that a lot of that has to do with the fact that I’ll never really be sure that I’m what he wants. He makes me feel like I’m not really enough for him just as I am, and that’s a horrible way to feel.

I’m having more fun with CTG right now, and we’re not even sleeping together.

And once again Bali is starting at that goddamn hole in the wall. It’s actually starting to get to me.

When do I stop? Uh…umm…uh…

I was supposed to have been in class 45 minutes ago. Once again I am wicked hungover. Last night was a lot of fun, but I’m beginning to think that perhaps limiting myself to one or two nights a week is a good idea. Goddamn.

I want to go back to sleep but I don’t know that I’ll be able to. Goddamn again.

A fireman just came to my door and sold me a shitty calendar for $3.50. I didn’t want the calendar, but I didn’t have the strength to just say no. It was for people at a burn centre. And I’m totally hung over. I would probably do anything anyone told me to do right now as long as it didn’t involve any serious exertion on my part. Ugh.

The Catalyst’s online but he’s busy and not chatting properly. By properly, I mean he isn’t paying me his undivided attention. Last night I realised that of all the people out there, he’s still the one I continue to lust after the most. And my friends are trying to be helpful — they’re trying to get my to see that he’s far away and this is all sort of silly — and yet here I am, thinking about him, wanting to touch him, imagining him, going through things that have happened in my mind, and wishing, goddamn, if only we could be doing that right now. Why has he penetrated me so intensely?

I found myself lusting after a new man, in real life. Oh yeah…it’s true. And the worst part? I’m sure he gets so many girls running after him, that he hardly even noticed. I drunkenly found him on facebook when I got home. I hope he doesn’t think I’m a drunken stalker weirdo. Although, the fact that I found him on facebook at 3:30am does make me seem a little like one. And now I’m hungover. Did I say that already?

What am I doing? I need to be good. This is far too messy.

I’m an idiot.

If I can’t be honest with myself, then how on earth can I imagine that I will ever be able to be fully honest with anyone else?

This morning I told the Catalyst about the fact that Cute Musician Neighbour kissed me. He sensed that there was something up, so I told him. And it wasn’t that he got upset with me for kissing him. He got upset with me because I kissed him even though I knew that I didn’t really want to, even though I knew that it wasn’t a good idea. I just shat on something good because I am too much of a pussy, because I am far too indecisive to decide what I actually want.

I am really mad at myself. I thought that I was actually moving forwards but it looks as though I’m still in exactly the same place as before. Except this time it was that I was convincing myself that I was being honest with myself. Does thinking that you’re happy and honest really make it true? Well, I know for sure that it doesn’t now. I know for sure that I don’t actually listen to that first instinctual gut reaction all the time, and that’s why I’m getting myself into these fixes. I thought that I had stopped with the attention-grabbing attitude, but clearly I haven’t. I’ve managed to weave a complex little web of mixed messages around myself all over again, and it’s simply because I’m still insecure enough that I don’t want to let go of the attention I get from various sources. Why do I not know how to simply say no. I’m not interested. I don’t want that.

That’s what I need to say. The next time CMN asks me to come over, I’ll be honest with him. What happened happened. But it isn’t going to happen again.

I was on the right track. When the Stunt Man came over on New Years, I sent him packing. I was on the right track. So how did I get off it? What happened between then and now that made me feel like I needed to create unrealistic expectations in other people. It’s really terrible because I make these guys feel like I do desire them, when in reality I just crave the attention. That’s pathetic. Really and truly pathetic.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.

I’m going to see a counsellor on Monday. Hopefully that will help. Hopefully I’ll be able to figure out why exactly it is that I’m acting in this extremely self-destructive way. I need to find out why these patterns are so difficult to break and concentrate on breaking them. I need to really feel good about myself. I am the only person I wake up with in the morning. I am the only person I am accountable to. I may love the Catalyst, I may feel strong desires to make other people proud, keep them happy. But ultimately, it’s about me, and me feeling okay with myself. Which I don’t really. And I need to fix that.

Just thinking.

I feel like I’ve come full circle. What is it about me that demands that I write things down? It’s such a strange tendency to feel the need to document, to constantly flesh things out on paper (or, I suppose a screen). It’s almost as though my reality becomes more real once I’ve turned it into something concrete. Except that whatever I write will never recreate the experience, so consequently I feel that I cheapen some things, take a little of the power away.

There are tangible memories. It’s interesting because stepping away from a long long term relationship means that all of a sudden a rush of repressed feelings have begun to bombard me. Not all of them are bad. It’s an odd and interesting mix of nostalgia, sadness, anger, love, relief, regret. There are so many things I regret. So many questions I have to ask myself. Why do I allow myself to simply be the person I think is best for the company I’m in? It’s like I’m a trickster, except that I’m the fool. The only person who loses from this sort of bizarre chameleon-like behaviour is me. I’m the one making concessions, acting in ways I’m not necessarily comfortable with. And just to fit in? How very strange.

Last night Burlesque Beauty slept over. This morning when we were lying in bed we started talking about sex, about intimacy and partners (and no…it’s not what you think. Unfortunately for me she’s way further along the heterosexual matrix than I am). About bodies and attraction and genitalia and our like and dislike of certain aspects of the male and female forms. I told her about last Friday, my absolutely beautiful night with my excellent female friend, and the fantastic relationship that we have maintained over the past two or so years. It is a really rather remarkable thing to have someone who you love but don’t feel possessive about. I don’t think that we would ever be a couple because neither of us are actually lesbians. As she says, she just loves the cock too much. I can’t deny this. But at the same time, I can’t really imagine getting into a relationship with someone who isn’t okay with the time I share with D. What we have is profoundly different to any other relationship I’ve ever thought about. I never even knew that having something like this was really possible. But it is. And it makes me happy, and I don’t want to give her up. I guess that means that I will always need a man in my life who isn’t jealous. Hmm.

But then, that’s the contradiction. When things between the Catalyst and myself started getting really heated up and Hot Smart Girl came into town, he seemed uncomfortable with the idea of me spending the night with her. So I didn’t. But I really wanted to. Is that making concessions because I care about the Catalyst, or is it me simply not standing up for the way I feel? I don’t feel that my relationship with her cheapens my desire and connection with him. Hence my continued debate with myself about whether or not I am capable monogamy or if polyamory is the answer, except that the way I feel about him proves that I can be jealous. Is that an emotion I can get over? Or would I simply be repressing my negative feelings like I did with Ollie for so many years? How on earth do I find a balance between loving people and having other types of connections with others? Tricky stuff, really.

More babbling

Is it regret that I feel for the fact that everything can’t just be perfect and I can’t be suspended in time and space in a moment in which everything feels unreal simply because it’s so real?

I hate the word perfect, but in this context, I think you know what I mean. I feel something heavy and dense moving through my chest. It’s like mercury or tar or something thick and oozy, slowly expanding through me and making me feel panicked. And I have no idea why or what I could be so terribly anxious about, except for perhaps the fact that I don’t know that things are going to turn out the way I would like them to. Even though I don’t actually know what that is.

I am definitely too rational a human being on some levels, but then on others I am completely and utterly nonsensical, hypocritical and confused. I seem to change my mind, but not just my mind, my entire system of beliefs, depending on who I have been speaking to recently and how much their ideas affect me. It gives me shivers to think that one day I could potentially turn into one of those older conservative people based on what the others around me think (although I highly doubt this outcome of my life).

I am totally babbling right now but I feel like there’s something that I need to get off my chest but I don’t know what it is. This morning the Catalyst sort of prompted me with something, by asking me how I feel. Why is it so difficult for me to just say that I feel…something at all at the moment I am being asked. How do I feel now? Well, as I already said, I feel anxious about something. I feel a little sad that there’s a reality that I have to accept and that perhaps things in my relationship with him will have to change, or more pertinently are already changing somehow. I feel let down maybe by my own expectations and the unrealistic views I have and have had of my life. I feel a little hopeful at the same time because I truly do believe that at some later stage, where and when I’m not certain, but I do hope that one day (ideally some time this year) the Catalyst will come back to Montreal and we can try this properly. I feel very much in love with him. I feel his presence inside me. It’s as though he has left his mark on me, inside me (?) and although lack of communication has the ability to throw things into confusion for me, simply reestablishing the connection had put me right back to where I was before.

I think that I have a propensity to run away from things that are difficult for me, and consequently as soon as I see a problem, or something that may be a little troublesome, I either ignore it completely, or begin to convince myself that whatever it was actually wasn’t what I wanted in the first place. I know that I’ve done it in the past in relationships because I just read through a few of my journals from high school and I flip flop between being absolutely distraught over whoever I was “in love” with at the time, and exclaiming my independence and asserting that I’m happier without said person in my life for this or that reason. But here’s a case that I haven’t considered before. Maybe I should just chill out, be happy in the thought that I am in love with him (and he loves me), and simply hope for the best. What happens happens, and I have absolutely no control over it. I guess that there’s just too big a part of me that wishes I did.

Commitment, what?

It’s difficult not to feel like you’re more invested in something when the other person is busier than you are. I’m feeling decidedly insecure at the moment based on the fact that I’m communicating with the Catalyst a whole lot more than I’m hearing from him, and although he assures me that it’s all in my head, and that he’s just busy, it’s still difficult to wrap my brain around the idea that he’s too busy to send me a text when he wakes up in the morning or just a quick hello email.

Insecurity is a funny thing. I can see why there are so many people out there who avoid relationship commitment for fear of investing too much of themselves into something uncertain. While certainty certainly isn’t something that one can expect from any relationship — even those that seem like they are often aren’t — there is a certain degree of security that one wishes to have with a partner and when it isn’t present it can easily turn a person into an emotional wreck. This can be emphasised by distance, or miscommunication, or being too busy to communicate properly, or whatever else, but with people’s propensities to live inside their own heads and analyse minute details, it’s unfortunately difficult to avoid.

I hate feeling out of control. I hate not being able to just switch a feeling off if it doesn’t make sense to me. I can’t do that right now, and I know that I need to learn to accept the fact that I can’t and won’t always be in control of my emotions, but it’s especially difficult when I know that the only way I could gain absolute control over my life again would be to let go of this relationship. I don’t want to do that. But there’s this part of me that won’t stop obsessing over details, won’t stop reminding me that he’s off doing something that I can’t be a part of, and that more than any of the other things, he’s not paying as much attention to me as he used to, he’s not chasing me any more, not assuring me that he wants to wait for me and that we can make this thing work. AND IT’S KILLING ME!

Not to be dramatic or anything.

And then there’s the possibility that maybe I just do have too much time on my hands, and perhaps when I start doing all of my things again, and am back in Montreal running around like a chicken with my head cut off, I’ll just be cool with only hearing from him a little and become more confident in the idea that he loves me and doesn’t have time to text me or chat with me like he did when everything was heating up.

I met up with my bro and some of his boys last night at a little bar in Kensington Market. Barbs was there, and having not seen one another since watching the rugby world cup, there was the little exchange of “I hears” and “reallys” about our states of singledom/coupledom. We both ended long term, cohabitational relationships at the same time. He hasn’t seen his ex since he moved all of his stuff out. He obviously asked about the Big Love. He also sounded a little surprised that things continue to progress between Dom and myself — which he knew about as my brother had given the boys a mini-summary of my whereabouts. He made a comment about the rebound relationship, which I defended myself against. I don’t think you can call the relationship that ends another one a rebound. Can you? But whatever…it’s not important. I think I just need to stop thinking about this so much.

I went to see Juno with mum yesterday. Hilarious. Absolutely friggin’ spectacularly brilliantly funny. The dialogue is amazing. There were so many perfect lines, perfect little moments. And the acting was great, as was the music. It’s been a while since I’ve laughed really hard at a movie in the theatre, and the characters were all so well developed and believable. I just really appreciated going to see a movie that didn’t have a Disney ending, that was about something that nobody really talks about and was hilariously dry and even slightly twisted at times. Way to go Mr Director. (Mr Director is Jason Reitman, by the way. He also did Thank You for Smoking, another film that I enjoyed thoroughly).

I suppose it’s that time of day to get up and shower and pack up my giant Christmas stash and shopping spree items (I went a little nuts and replenished my wardrobe in the past week. It’s tough when the sales are so good). I can’t believe that I’m going back to Montreal already, but I am ready for it. I’m excited to get the Catalyst’s bed into my place so that I no longer have to sleep on couches. But patience is a virtue, and I’m not going to bust my ass to do it before Monday. Or Tuesday… or maybe Wednesday. We’ll see…

Are you bored with me yet? Is this too self-indulgent? Haha… the best part is that I don’t think anyone really reads it.