A proper look

I feel like the things I’ve been writing in here lately have been boring. This is perhaps because I haven’t had much time to just sit and think and write. Although, that can be a good thing sometimes. Being busy has its place.

I got off work early tonight because it a) wasn’t all that busy and b) I feel like shit and my cold is just getting worse. I think I may even have a fever. Boo. Way to go not taking care of yourself. I think it might have to do with the fact that my body knows that I’m going to get a week off, and consequently has decided to shut down on me. Thanks body!

I had a really great evening tonight. Met with Tattoo Guy for a drink and then we went for dinner. As I mentioned earlier, I should have gone to yoga, but I definitely chose the more enjoyable option. It’s such a funny thing. We have so much fun together. It’s great: we amuse one another no end, we talk about absolutely anything, often going for the more inappropriate subject matter, because it’s just more fun. It’s like the filter that I usually have when I’m out in company just comes off completely, and he encourages it. He definitely does not have a filter.

Dinner was awesome. We talked a bit about us. Us hanging out. The fact that both of us are prioritizing our time together because, let’s face it, we just have amazing chemistry. Talking shit, being silly, getting excited about projects and ideas, discussing norms (and breaking them down), saying things inappropriately loudly. I haven’t had this much fun with someone in ages. And it’s not like we need to be drinking or smoking for the boundaries to come down — they’re just not there to start with.

That’s something that I’ve been thinking about quite a lot lately. It’s really awesome to have these interactions and relationships that don’t fit into any normal box. I mean, for a lot of people, what’s going on with CTG and myself is just weird. We really like one another, we want to hang out all the time, we’re really attracted to one another, and yet we aren’t sleeping together, nor does it seem like we’re going to “go out” as such. I mean, I’m not writing off any possibility of anything of that sort happening in the future, but at this point in time, I’m loving just hanging out the way we are. There’s no pressure to be anything other than genuine. No expectations. Just honesty and fun. And I know that a relationship/friendship/whatever you want to call it of this sort would probably freak a lot of people out. I’m sure that the girl he’s seeing (I’m not mentioning names — actually I’m going to start changing the names soon…I forgot about that. Anyhow…), I’m sure that if she saw us together she’d be a little surprised (perturbed?). Not that we’re doing anything. We’re just having fun and being close and being silly. Mmm. It’s great.

And, yes. The thought has entered my mind. There is definitely a voice questioning why things aren’t going further. I guess it’s the whole boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy and girl do nasty things. Yeah… I don’t know. My friends question it. They all hear me talking about him, getting excited, smiling when I’m telling them about dinner, or hanging out or whatever, and I can hear the skepticism in their voices when I say that we’re just having a lot of fun being friends and that we’re not going to sleep together. Yet. I guess I should add that. I like that ‘yet,’ actually.

I should really get to sleep. I feel bad — I really wanted to talk to the Brit tonight, but I’m home early and I need to get some rest. He’s seeming to be a little weirded out because we haven’t talked much lately, but honestly, we’ve both been really busy, and time-wise, it was getting to be more than I could handle. I just wasn’t sleeping enough. Plus, I don’t want this to get out of control. The last thing I want is any weirdness. I really love talking to him; I love the extra fun stuff too. I also don’t want it to stop. But I can’t do this all the time. I want for us to have our real lives in the real world, and also to connect online from opposite sides of the planet. I don’t want him to get all hung up on me, and I don’t want to put my life on hold for him. It’s just unrealistic. Plus, I think the beauty of our relationship is that things are really open and fun and honest and unlimited and there are no issues. I don’t want jealousy or any of those shitty emotions to creep in. I just want him to have a great time and to have a great time myself and then, when we’re online we can have lots of excellent steamy fun.

I think this is what I mean when I have said in the past that I don’t know that I’ll ever really be a monogamous, heteronormative creature. I just enjoy life and people too much to limit myself to what society deems acceptable. And it’s so much fun!

The state of things

Bali is staring at the little hole in the wall. I just got home into the warmth. My ipod skipped onto a ridiculous orgasmic track that just ended with the line “Custard for you baby.” I have no idea what it is, except that it makes me giggle every time. I have been very erratic today. Stupid bloody progesterone. Why do female hormones have to make me so crazy?

Last night, work was annoying. I wore earplugs so I felt as though I was in a little bubble all night, but I was running around at such a frantic pace that having to split my tips at the end of the shift really annoyed me. It has nothing to do with the Redhead — she’s lovely, and she was definitely working hard. I just hate it when I run around for peanuts. Perhaps being sober had something to do with the foul mood. When I got home the Brit was online. There was an explanation for why he had disappeared for two days. He had gone to meet a friend who was visiting from Australia, and gone wine tasting and done lovely things in the sun. Jealousy. I would love to go and spend a day driving around the wine country getting tipsy. Fond memories of Stellenbosch (although perhaps buying bottles and drinking them in the bus on the way from one vineyard to the next is not the way one is supposed to do it).

So despite the fact that I was tired and grumpy, or perhaps because I was tired and grumpy, I spent far too long chatting to the Brit online (although at the time I wasn’t really noticing the minutes passing slowly, exactly). It was after six when I finally turned off my light, and I intelligently wore my eye mask to sleep (my curtains are inadequate) in hopes of getting more than three hours rest. I did manage about five. Not great, but it is a weekend. Sleeping is for weeknights. And then sometimes only a little.

Woke up in an awful mood this morning. Mad stressed about school work. A little annoyed at myself for going to sleep so late. I really wanted to go and have breakfast with Emo, except he was conspicuously absent when I made my way to the bathroom. I texted Asiand Best Girl. I texted New Age Girlie. I called the Angsty German Philosopher, who was already off to meet some friends for brunch. I considered whether or not calling Crazy Tattoo Guy was appropriate considering just how much time we’ve been spending together. I didn’t want to bother him or anything. I skulked about for about twenty minutes. Got back into bed for a while, starting having a panic attack, decided to take a shower and go and get breakfast by myself if that was what it had to come to. Decided eventually to stop being such a child and just call CTG because it’s always super fun to see him, and really when it came down to it, I knew that I would have a better time with him than with anyone else I might call. Hooray for him. I grumbled at him about being sulky and wanting someone to have lunch with. We met half an hour later.

As usual, he lifted my mood. I love hanging out with him. Somehow all of the things that I was worrying about just dissipated for the hour or so we took to eat brunch. We headed up to a cafe to get a little work done, and bounce ideas off one another, although after not too long CTG’s excessive caffeination started getting to him, and he left. A kiss as he went. Hmm… I wonder about us. How long is this going to remain as it is? I so enjoy the dynamic we have. I also love the closeness. I just feel so good around him.

Bali’s staring at that hole again. I wonder what’s in there? Anything? A mouse? It seems to small for a mouse.

So my life has brought me to this really interesting place now. I’m really stimulated creatively. I have lots of great friends. I have men in my life who I feel really great about, with whom there isn’t complication or ambiguity. And I’m actually single. I really am single. Things with the Catalyst are what they are. I still get annoyed at myself for feeling funny about him wanting to be with other girls, but really, I just need to stop being silly about that. The Brit has quickly become closer to me than most of the people in my direct contact. Not chatting for a few days actually felt strange. I really enjoy talking to him and hearing what he has to say about my life, plus the more personal side of that relationship has taken on a life of its own. One that I cannot even pretend to comprehend. Who knows what will happen with all that? We talked about it a little last night when he told me that he felt a bit odd about hooking up with a girl he works with there because he’s a little hung up on me (his own words). I’m not sure what that means in terms of being realistic about what’s going on. There weren’t alarm bells per se, but there was a part of me that felt that maybe we should be a bit more careful about how much we’re talking or how involved this gets. Last night was pretty intense actually. Not just the situational fun and games that we usually get into. We shall see.

I just made new categories for the Brit and the Crazy Tattoo Guy. I wonder if they’ll find that funny?

Complete maniac

Some days I feel a little crazier than others. One such day was yesterday. I started the morning off meditating. I could feel the channels opening up inside me, and was actually tingling all over my chest when I finally opened my eyes. Mmm. A rejuvenated start to a new week. Or so I thought.

After a few hours, I was going through waves of manic highs and intense lows. I became anxious, my heart beating rapidly around noon. This surged downwards toward confused and frustrated as my day progressed. I heard myself whining at my friends, questioning why the hell I do what I do, how one avoids the sorts of foolish complication that I have recently created in my life. By the evening, I was actually in tears. I had an hour session of chatting with the Brit, trying to calm down.

Epiphany. It was the yoga and the breathing all weekend that did it. I had released all sorts of blocked energy which was escaping. It made me feel like I was completely losing it.

I don’t think I’m actually crazy. Just for the record. (Isn’t that what they all say?)

After a day of messages back and forth, Crazy Tattoo Guy called to figure out plans. I felt like I was going to lose it. Why is it that when you’re having a completely bipolar moment, someone always calls on the phone? Plus the continued ambiguity of what last night was, heightened the slight oddity of my moment. Is it a meeting, or is it a date? Meeting? Date? Hrmm…

Whatever it was turned out to be wicked fun. It’s been a while since I’ve sat down with someone and just giggled, and been undeniably (and somehow deviously) honest. It felt something like the conversations I had in Singapore with the self-proclaimed American playboy, who couldn’t help loving my attitude toward sex and his quest for pussy. Just hours of talking shit. It was fun listening, and egging CTG on. Sitting at dinner feeling surges of excitement and sexual energy charging around us. Except that I’m not sure it had any sort of direction. We were both just getting really pent up. Fun, fun, fun.
We actually sang songs from Disney movies as we walked down the street. Who does that? Fucking awesome.

So fortunately the mania rose skyward, and stayed up for the remainder of the night. We had a super cool time. He’s great. Just fun shit. When I got home, lightly baked and somewhat tipsy, I demolished about half a loaf of bread (toast) while chatting, as usual, to the Brit.

I guess I can call that a good day.

I just looked out the window and the sky’s actually pink. Gotta love Montreal and its Gotham City skies.

But now I’m just babbling…