The Sea

I’m going to be writing all day long, but I figure a good way to start myself off, get the proverbial juices flowing, is by getting some of my shit out on here.

Still lots of ups and downs, but unsurprisingly, drinking less is helping my levels of instability. Sleeping and taking care of oneself prevents mania. Fancy that.

I had a really intense night with the Big Love a couple of days ago. He came over to make me dinner. We’ve decided that this is a good agreement as he owes me big time (or feels he does) and I’m not going to be working for a while, and being broke and tired means that eating tends to involve toast or the like. So he came over and we were both in absolutely ridiculous moods. Went to the Intermarche and acted like children, all giggling and causing shit and generally enjoying the fact that we were together and not having to hold back. No judgment here.

The intensity came from the fact that I read his Tarot cards. When we were going out he thought that all of this stuff was mumbo jumbo. He derided me for believing in clairvoyance and energy and tried to make me see that science and rational thought were the only ways. I sort of resented him for that, but never made too much of a fuss and just kept on believing it anyhow. Well, on Wednesday night he started believing. The cards he pulled were eerily accurate. I knew that they would be because that’s how it is. That’s how it works. It’s all about psychology any how — it’s not as though you’re predicting the future. Your body is aware of the cards you are pulling and your body also knows the choices you are going to make, it’s just that your conscious mind isn’t, so it seems amazing or crazy when a spread of cards tells you exactly what you’re living.

To repay me for the reading he started giving me a massage and I just lost it. I had been feeling really chipper all day — I’d hung out with Emo while he was getting tattooed, started getting excited about a potential tattoo for myself. And then Big Love started massaging me and I felt a giant wave of stress flow through me, I started getting heart palpitations, I felt really cold. It was insane. And so I got him to stop. Went and sat on the couch. Couldn’t understand why it won’t just release. The same thing has been happening to me in yoga the past while. I feel like shit after practice because it starts bringing the negative energy out, but there’s something still blocking it and keeping it in me for some reason. I have a feeling that this weekend’s workshop is going to help me release it. I have a feeling I’m going to start bawling during one of the sessions.

But that’s okay. Anyhow, I told Big Love this, and he told me that it was okay to cry, except that I couldn’t — it was stuck. So he started massaging my shoulders again and trying to calm me down, and then he started asking me to visualize it and I went to this beach where the water was steel gray and completely still and terrifyingly viscous and I was terrified of it. There were giant storm clouds and the beach was long and flat and went on forever. I didn’t want to go into the water. I was petrified of it. Couldn’t fathom the idea of going in. If I went in the dead people would pull me under and I’d drown. (I know — it sounds sort of childish, but that’s exactly what I was seeing). There was a forest behind me that I wanted to go into, that I felt drawn to. I wanted to hide in the forest. Big Love suggested that I get a branch from the forest and throw it into the sea, but that made me get really upset because I didn’t want to go near the water. Every time I thought about getting near the water I was overcome with fear and started crying.

It was one of the most visceral and intense meditative experiences I’ve ever had. The wave of emotions were unbelievable. I would literally freak out when I felt I had to get nearer to the water, and then completely relax when I was in the forest. I felt happy in the forest.

I wonder what’s in the water that I’m so afraid of?

***

Today I need to spend the whole day working on my screenplay. I was meant to have worked on it all last night but then I got into a little bit of a funk because of thinking too much and being sort of excessively emotional. I had a wonderful day at the costume shop, but when I got home I just didn’t want to do anything, talked to the Best Friend for a while on the phone about our dramatic personal lives, and read my own cards. Got online and was immediately asked by Combat if I wanted to go for dinner: he was feeling blah and in need of company, and we always have a great time together, plus he’s pretty incredibly good at helping me figure out my shit. So we went for dinner and talked about our various crises and I came home feeling a lot better than I started out.

I am enjoying the fact that I’m starting to take more control of my life. I’m too busy for bullshit.

Mmm…masochist?

I think I may be getting in over my head. I need to be careful. There’s only so much of me, and if I start spreading myself I’m going to lose it.

I’m confused this morning. I’m getting emotionally involved with too many people. Or already am? I only realized now that I spent a large chunk of last night talking about the Big Love with the man’s best friend. I’m still so emotionally involved with him, I care so much, that I do worry, and I want what’s best for him. He’s in rough shape and I want to be able to help. Except that I need to be careful not to allow myself to go too far in that direction. As much as I want him to be happy, I can’t actually make him happy. It’s not my job anyhow. I resigned from that position last Fall.

I sent a message to the Catalyst the other day. I know I shouldn’t have. He just replied telling me that he hadn’t contacted me because he was giving me my space, as I had asked. Why did I contact him? Why am I still clinging to that? It makes me feel bad. I don’t feel like I can be myself with him, and yet I can’t let go. Am I really this masochistic? It’s totally fucked.

And now there are more people coming out of the woodwork. And I need to watch myself. I love spending time with people, having fun. I love getting to know people intimately. I mean, that’s just the way I work. I’ve always been a one-on-one kind of girl. But now I realize that I have to be really careful about who I spend how much time with.

The Man just pointed out that yes, it is bad to be emotionally involved with this many people and that I need closure. I need closure with the Big Love, I need closure with the Catalyst. I’m no longer in relationships with these people. It’s over. With the former, it can be possible. It’s just that there’s still a part of me that can’t let go of that closeness we have. I still love him so much. BUT I can see myself slipping. We have fun together, it’s comfortable, and I actually enjoy taking care of other people. Right now there isn’t anyone else in my life who needs my mothering. However, that’s no excuse for me to be going right back to the same pre-existing pattern. And I know that he doesn’t want mothering — at least on a conscious level. But he is still coming to me when he’s down, and I’m willingly helping him because I still love him. It’s not healthy. As much as I want to spend time with him, I really shouldn’t do it until he’s much stronger and I actually know what I’m doing. The fact that I can still say that he’s the best person I’ve spent time with in my life and the only person I’ve ever been able to imagine a long term future with makes it pretty clear that I’m not entirely past it. Yes, I love him. Yes,  we’re great friends. But no, I can’t allow myself to be as emotionally involved with him as I’m becoming again. It’s bad for me.

So on to the Catalyst. Why did I contact him again? Because I was curious? Am I over him? Not at all. Does anyone really kick an addiction? I think it’s mostly a matter of will power that keeps you away. And clearly I have less of that than I had hoped. Is it because of the way he says he feels about me? Because of the way he makes me feel? I get knotted up just thinking about him. Did I ever really love him, or was it just an obsession? But then there is the issue of closure. There wasn’t any. I told him I needed space, and he gave it to me. I think need to see him in the flesh to get past it. Sex? Maybe. That’s the worst part. I still really want to sleep with him.

I’m a masochist. Everything can be going amazingly in my life and yet I somehow seek out things to hurt me. So I can hurt myself.

It plays out differently in every relationship. At some times it’s more overt than at others. I think the way it’s revealing itself right now is far healthier than the underground ways of the past. I want to be hurt. So hurt my physically (with boundaries, obviously). But this emotional pain that I cause for myself is just so demented. The Catalyst makes me feel like shit, and so I gravitate toward him? How messed up is that? The Big Love is in rough shape, so I take his anguish into myself? What the hell am I doing?

Do I really enjoy feeling bad? Do I enjoy feeling jealously? Obviously I feel it. I mean, I care about the people I’m with. I really do care about the Man. I may believe that I’m not in any danger of falling in love with him, but falling in love and caring deeply for someone aren’t one and the same. I care very much for him. I don’t want him to get hurt. I don’t want to hurt him. And yet I sort of expect him to hurt me.

There’s this odd balance that we’ve started to maintain. Sometimes it’s sort of sweet and connected, sometimes it’s fucking intense, at other times almost like we’re nothing more than friends, and sometimes it just feels bad. But the times when it feels bad aren’t when we’re actually together. It’s only been good when we’re physically in one another’s presence. The times I feel bad are those moments when I consider him with someone else. Not physically — I don’t actually care about that. Emotionally. I don’t want to be unknowingly ousted. But whenever we talk about it, it’s pretty clear where we’re at. I think to an extent I actually relish the tension and fear. Part of me wants to get hurt, but the rest of me know that’s fucked up.

More time please

I’m feeling elated.

Walking back home from the metro after almost missing my stop. I had drifted off to a happy place. Listening to Sea Change and thinking about how incredible this summer is going to be.

I just got the go-ahead on my documentary. So not only am I going to go visit the Hot Smart Lady (for free!), but we’re going to get a whole shitload of footage for a really great film idea. The prof even said that she thinks that I might be able to get funding from the NFB. It’s the type of thing they like. Who’d have thought? I want to make documentaries, and now I’m going to make one as soon as I finish this program. Awesome!
My life has changed so much this year. I can’t really believe it. I met up with the Big Love for an early dinner yesterday. It was great to see him. It was also not so great seeing him in rough shape, but that’s unfortunately how things are just now. I do hope that things start coming together for him soon.

It’s crazy to think that I could have still been there with him. I still love him. That’s very obvious when we see one another. We get along so well, have such a strong connection. But he needs more than I can give him, and I can’t stand up to it. I think that we can have a really good friendship. I do hope we can.

I’m in such good space now. I’m doing creative things; really enjoying myself. I’m constantly coming up with new ideas, and I actually have the capacity to get these things done now. I have so many talented people around me. It’s just a matter of knowing the right person to ask. It’s really inspiring having so many artistic and driven people in my life all at once. It makes me feel like we’re all really going to do things, go places. Have fun.

That’s what I want, really. I want to have fun. I want to go home at the end of the day, exhausted, but happy that I’ve been doing things that are inspiring to me. Or simply enjoyable.

It’s another aspect of what really gets me with the man. He’s overflowing with ideas and excitement about doing things. His creativity totally buzzes me. There are so many times I’ve walked away from him with new ideas about projects that I, we can do. I guess it’s all a matter of time. And having more of it.

I’ve been thinking about him a lot today. Pretty much consistently. It’s great. It makes me happy. I keep on thinking of things we should do together. Fun things. A lot of them don’t involve much. Well, they involve more time. I just want to hang out with him. Watch movies, play games, lie around, smoke joints, bounce ideas off one another, tell stories, make recordings, write things, hopefully make films. Go on road trips? Have crazy adventures. I can see him catalyzing some pretty crazy adventures.

Oh, and there’s the touching. He has this way of looking at me.

And the sleeping.

And…

Yup. Good. No issues. No weirdness. It’s just good. Relaxed and fun.

Makes me smile.

I just need to find more time for sleep.

Bleh

Talk about emotional. I actually started crying in yoga this morning at had to stop practicing and just lie down and breathe deeply. There is clearly stress. The Catalyst still has me all riled up. I need to eliminate him from my life but I’m totally addicted to him. How can a person so clearly be like a drug?

That and now he has me questioning myself, which just really pisses me off. I need to stop talking to him. He makes me so mad whenever I do.

I did have a nice evening chilling with Emo and reading about monks and writing my Burma piece though. Also got a phone call from the Big Love, which addressed how much information I am putting out there in the world by writing this blog. Which is totally understandable. Like the nicknames?

Tonight is the night for the bohemian typewriter photo shoot. Emo should be picking up some absinthe. We already have costumes. I’m so excited it’s ridiculous. Tomorrow should also be a great day — recovery brunch followed by an afternoon of typewriting and then a play in the evening. Yes. It’s silly how one thing can throw everything else off kilter so easily: one person’s effect can be so overwhelming. It’s not really his fault either — it’s the way that he makes me feel. He gets so pissed off at me when I tell him that I have a hard time being myself with him, when it’s all he’s wanted from me. He doesn’t seem to understand that when he tells me things about myself that he thinks are bad, that I inevitably take it as a sign of something that I need to change in order for him to like me. As Rose said in her email to me this morning, I need to be single, and the relationships I have going on right now seem to be making me happy. I am single. And I’m (generally) happy.

What more could I ask for in my life right now?

Closure? Is that what they’re calling it these days?

I’m crying. I’m sitting in my room listening to Beck’s Sea Change, with my cat on my lap writing emails back and forth with my oldest friend about how crazy life and love are, and I’m crying.

I’m crying from relief, I think. And from sadness and I don’t even know all of the reasons, can’t quite identify the mix of emotions. I want to reach out and talk to the Catalyst because he’ll make me feel better, and even thinking about him makes me smile and feel happy, but I’m still in this very odd state. Tears coming, but not chokingly. It actually feels quite good, like a release, like I’m finally letting out something that’s been sitting really close to the surface for a while and it’s just reached the brink and come pouring over.

(I need to get a tissue).

Cathartic tears. I do feel quite good to have released a little.

So, yes. Why the sudden outburst?

I saw the Big Love this morning. It was actually really lovely. He came by and we sat and drank tea and talked. At first it was kind of strange. Both of us being really chipper and positive and glossing over the trivial things that are going on in our lives. Questions about family and school and whatnot. Friends in common and all that. And then he got down to it, and said that he hoped it was okay, but he really needed to ask me a difficult question. He started off by asking me what it was that resonated for me in the letter he wrote on the night he left. And I could respond immediately. It was the analogy of a cancer growing in our relationship — something that existed and was growing for so long before either of us saw it. By that time it was just too late.

The other thing that we talked about mostly is the separation that I have between my rational mind and my emotions. We both see it, we both know that it stems from the mix of shitty things that happened when I was a kid — the illness, the sudden change of financial state, my social situation in general, the moving around. It’s definitely a strongly formed defense mechanism. It’s like there’s a guardian personality in me that stops the emotions from going in and out but is willing to allow the rational thoughts to come and go as they please. Don’t feel sorry for yourself: make the best of your situation.

The whole time that the Big Love and I had our agreement, I was never comfortable with it. I was never ever comfortable with him sleeping with other girls. In my rational mind it made perfect sense. I mean, why should it bother me if it’s just physical? Furthermore, it was something that seemed like it would happen regardless, and I would rather know about him being with other women than be in one of those relationships that are pretending to be monogamous but are rather laced with lies and infidelity. But it hurt inside. And I didn’t want to acknowledge that hurt. But I wanted to be with him, and if it meant hurting a little so be it. I just wish I could have been honest. With him. With myself.

We talked a lot about that relationship, the openness that wasn’t really true. He’s never in his life met anyone like me. And it wasn’t even me. Until me there had been two options available: be with one person forever in the happily-ever-after style, or live in this non-monogamous grey area, where cheating and lying are the standard. But with me he could have both. And did. But now that we both know that it wasn’t true, we’re back to those two options. And neither of us are willing to accept the latter, so the former appears to be the only way. But we weren’t ready for that at the time. Neither of us was. He might be closer…so might I. But I guess we’ll just have to see how things turn out.

He’s been talking to Tango Lady since all of this happened. It comes as no real surprise, I mean, she is his best friend aside from me…the source of a lot of our turmoil, but I can absolutely understand why. She’s a gem. At the same time that it does make me sort of sad to think of how real all of this is, I can’t actually imagine anyone else who would be better for him. I asked today if we wants to be with her. He responded that he thinks that it’s best that he doesn’t answer that question. He thinks that same might stand for me. Which is true, and I think that we both know the reality of the situation now. It’s kind of strange to think that after all that, after so much time together, we might both be moving on to relationships that will benefit from what we’ve learned from one another, and will hopefully make us both happier people in the long term. Me with the Catalyst, him with Tango Lady. Happily ever after and all that, eh?

Now I’m feeling kind of good. I am really happy right now. Things are good. I’m learning. I’m trying really hard to actually feel the things I think. I want to learn how to feel my emotions rather than compartmentalize them, to accept that feeling jealous, sad, lost, useless are all valid and things that I need to listen to. I’m not perfect by any means and the way that I feel is just as important as the way that the next person feels. I think I’m getting there. The Catalyst is helping. My friends are helping. The fact that I don’t want to be perfect for the Catalyst makes me feel like I can genuinely be myself. No more of this being the perfect partner. It’s exhausting and it’s dishonesty and it certainly isn’t sustainable. I was listening to an Aimee Mann song this morning. The last part of the song says ” and if he seemed a little strange/ well, baby–anyone can change/and you do/you do/ you really do.” It really struck me. I’m that person. I’m the one who changes. But I don’t want to any more. So I’m going to try really hard not to be that person. I am going to be okay with myself. I am. And soon.

Phew… what a day. It is snowing for real. None of this pretend snow that people in warmer climates get and then freak out about. This is snow for real. It has been snowing pretty much consistently all day. At present there is a car spinning its tires outside my window, apparently unable to deal with the combination of snowplow dumpage and ceaseless frozen precipitation falling from the sky.

And I know it might sound silly, but drab weather like today’s just makes me tired. I have all sorts of work to do this evening, but I’m just exhausted and don’t feel like doing anything. Which isn’t an option at all. Perhaps the best choice will be to get a little reading done now and then take a 20 minute power nap before getting back into it.

On a very definite upside, I will be in the British Virgin Islands, probably still in the process of attacking the Catalyst, in precisely two weeks (I arrive at 10am). This is amazing…and slightly terrifying as it is so insanely soon. I cannot wait to get there, but the amount of schoolwork I have to pound my way through between now and then might intimidate some. I’m trying to think about it logically and calmly and do one thing at a time. Hopefully this tactic will work. Nothing is due on the same day.

The Big Love gets back into town tonight. I feel bad for him as I have his winter coat here and all of his winter clothes. I think it’s going to be a little bit of a surprise for him when he steps off the plane into half a foot of snow. He may have already done that however, in which case he’s probably cursing a little. I do hope he has the good sense to stop by tonight to claim his things, as I certainly wouldn’t want to be stuck outside on a day like today inadequately attired.

Okay, so serious malaise has hit me. Time for a nap. I feel sort of dull today. But it does happen, and it is snowing outside!

Whining…

Sometimes, I am a silly person.

Today is one of these occasions. I should be doing my schoolwork, yet here I am sitting in the costume shop at 7pm, having spent most of the day here helping out (it is opening night after all) and foolishly having agreed to working front of house for C., who really needed me to help her out.

Not only that but I am actually sitting here waiting for the Catalyst to come online so that I can talk to him because I miss him and as I’m not at home I can’t actually see him, but can chat to him on msn, which is better than nothing.

Yesterday I thought that my stress about finding someone to pay rent for December was over because the Big Love’s going to be back in town as of tomorrow and needs somewhere to stay and I told him that he could stay while I was away. I totally agree that it might be a move in the wrong direction (for him, more than for me), but now I need to find someone else, and I’m just stressed about all of the shit that I need to get a grip on before I leave, but haven’t really managed to get a firm handle on. Goddamn it.

And the Catalyst said that he’d come and talk to me about 15 minutes ago and I still haven’t heard from him… Oh there he is.

Wow…I’m a whiny little kid.

Boo on being a whiny kid.

Bullshit

I’m feeling pretty sad tonight. Actually, I feel like I can’t do anything right. Way to go Turbo, revert back to the old ways. It’s like there’s this switch in me that whenever it seems like I’m either upsetting someone or might get in trouble, then I default to saying what I think they want to hear. Which is bullshit.

Another thing that’s really upsetting me is that today I actually miss the Big Love. It’s not that I want him back or anything like that; I just miss him. And it makes me feel particularly bad because I feel like I shouldn’t. I feel like it’s not fair to the Catalyst for me to miss the Big Love, but then, what’s fair to me? I need to own my emotions, don’t I? Well, so here’s owning my emotions. I miss him. I’m looking forward to his coming back to Montreal so that we can hang out. He’s my best friend after all. And yeah, we did become codependent, and breaking up was most certainly for the best, but there are times when I wish he was here.

This is all particularly tough because I don’t want the Catalyst to think that it has anything to do with him or us. I don’t want him to think that the fact that the Big Love’s still lingering changes the way I feel for him, because it doesn’t. And I know that he’s going to go on lingering, and then he’s going to get here, and hopefully by then everything will be comfortable and okay, and the Catalyst won’t have to worry because he’ll know how unbelievable strong my feelings for him are, and the Big Love and I will be able to just be friends and not have to throw everything away and be like those people who never manage to resolve their differences after a breakup.

Oh man…it devastates me to think that I could act as foolishly as I have in the past with the Catalyst, to try to “protect” him from the way that I act. Goddamn I’m a tool sometimes.

So I feel like shit right now. I feel like I’m still lost, still going through the same old destructive motions, don’t really feel like I deserve the love of these people who go out of their way to make sure that I know how they feel about me. Why do I do it? It’s totally destructive and useless. Way to sabotage your own happiness, girlie.

Well, I have to leave for work. I’m tired and sad and still sick, but what can you do? Money makes the world go ’round after all.

Real

It’s interesting how once you say something out loud it gains a sort of power, of finality that it doesn’t have while it’s still floating around inside your head. It’s as though there’s an ephemeral quality to things felt, things alluded, that solidifies as soon as uttered.

Do I love him? Yes. I’m quite sure of that. Can I say it? Not very easily, and I’m not sure why that is. Could it be because of how close this is to my life with the Big Love? That we said those words to one another every time we spoke on the phone, kissed goodbye, had a moment. Why is it so terrifying to say those three little words to someone new? I’m comfortable telling my Oldest and Best Friend I love her on the phone, Actor Boy when chatting online, but then that’s love of a friend, and a wholly different matter.

Romantic love. Butterflies in the stomach. Sleeplessness. Listlessness. Inability to concentrate on those things that are supposed to be primary. When else can one spend a whole day doing nothing but thinking about the object of one’s affection? Falling in love is undeniably the most poignant feeling in existence (wow, that sounds so clinical. How about…falling in love is friggin’ amazing!). It’s absolutely terrifying to allow oneself to fall (hence all of the people who never allow it to happen), but then, if you aren’t willing to let yourself go and believe that you can land on your feet, you’re missing out on the most beautiful feelings that exist.

The colours on the palette grow brighter. From pastels to bright primaries.

I’m happy. I’m happy being here, at home, feeling a little awkward and still not quite believing. I don’t know why I’m having such a hard time allowing myself to believe that the Catalyst really loves me. It’s true, it’s not like he’d been hiding anything from me at all ever. I think that part of it is that I’m really afraid that I’m going to repeat the same old pattern of becoming someone for the person I’m with. Maybe one of the things that scares me a little is that the Catalyst won’t really let me do that, so he has to accept me as I am, and I’m not used to doing that either. I don’t think that’s a barrier I’ve ever truly let down, even with the Big Love. I’d like to let it down. Eventually. I don’t think this is something that I can just leap into, but as he’s said to me over and over, I need to stop thinking myself into knots and just go with how I feel.

Then I hope it’s enough that I feel really good. I feel uncertain too, but I haven’t been able to pinpoint where the uncertainty is coming from. I haven’t felt shy like this in years. It’s like suddenly realising that while I thought I was dressed, I’m actually completely naked and standing in the middle of a room with someone looking right at me. And seeing me. Really seeing me. So I’m all blushing and shying away, but there’s something about that person that makes me want to just look him in the eyes and accept that he can see what no one else can. I hope I can.

Getting further along

I think I actually might have fallen for him. It’s really strange too, because it scares me so much that he really sees me so well and just wants me to be me and happy. I changed myself so much to be with the Big Love. I truly was the person I thought he wanted me to be. And part of it was true, but in a big way it way me molding myself to him. I suppose that life can be lived that way, but it was inevitable for an explosion to take place sooner or later because I wasn’t being true to myself. This is what I need to learn. I need to discover how to be true to myself, and actually be real.

This week was quite strange. Monday, I hung out with my cute musician former co-worker neighbour, who I had a lot of fun with, and was a little surprised when he gave me an extra long hug good night after asking me if I wanted to walk up by his place. Hmm…. Apparently I shouldn’t be surprised that male friends change tracks, because “all guys want to have sex, and when a good-looking friend is single, of course he’ll try.” Thanks Big Daddy, you’re full of good tips. Tuesday, I went to see a play with AnarchoFem, after which we met up with some friends including one guy, Intellectual Guy, very intelligent, although I think overcompensating a little for something. Got rather drunk, and lo and behold, he was inviting himself back to my place for a night cap. We did have a long drunken, interesting conversation, but I wasn’t expecting him to actually try to get into my pants. And then Wednesday there was the hot French guy who lives on my street and who I coincidentally ran into on the very same day I was thinking about leaving a note to ask him out for a drink. Turns out he has a girlfriend (as did Intellectual Guy), who he loves, but clearly he doesn’t have enough reason to think that perhaps calling me and suggesting that we hang out at my apartment rather than going out for a drink might be more than he can handle. Or maybe he did think that and just wanted to see what would happen anyhow. He was fun. Not the Catalyst, but fun.

And that’s sort of what it comes down to. I want the Catalyst. I think about him and it makes me feel good. I feel him inside me. I feel like a kid. I’m scared and excited and happy and confused all at the same time. I know that I’m not ready to just throw myself into another relationship, that I need to take a serious amount of time for myself, but I can do that with him because he’s not actually here. He’s far enough away that I can take time and space to figure out what I want and what’s good for me and what makes me happy and who I really am. But he’ll be here too. Even though he’s there. And he openly expresses how much he likes me, and I wanted to run away from it, but truthfully it is an amazing connection and we shouldn’t run away from it. It’s electric and burns under my skin. It makes me tingle, feel the hairs standing on end. I feel filled up with this sort of excitement. When I think of him I sail away into thought, and a smile curves the edge of my lips. He is here although he isn’t here, but he is. How did he just drop into my life and change it forever? The Big Love, hurting, noted that wouldn’t it have been nice for the Catalyst to have been here so that we could see if we really did have something. And well, I think we do. And I don’t know that the distance will make it worse. In fact, I think that perhaps the distance will help us because I need this time to figure out what’s going on with me in my own life.

I think I might love him.