It’s a interesting new situation. Actually, it’s the first time in my life that my interest in someone has been preceded by a “don’t go there” from a friend whose opinion I value above most others. But still, I can’t help feeling that he’s wrong. Consider the fact that he won’t actually tell me why I shouldn’t go there, and you have a girl who is both confused and willing to prove someone wrong.
This bad idea apparently isn’t such a bad idea. Yet the fact that the guy in question is an old friend and roommate of my good friend means that the idea (which seems good to me) has me conflicted. I don’t want to lose a good friend over something that might be better left undone. But I can’t see that that’s the case.
We spent yesterday wandering around the city. We went to the Jean Talon Market, picked up some delicious picnicables and wandered back down to the park where we ate and chilled out and generally had a blissful time. We’ve been getting to know one another over joints and meals and online chatting sessions, and regardless of how incredibly different we are, that is, how different our backgrounds are, we still have more in common than anyone else I’ve met in years. And this has thrown me. I am at ease with him even though we’ve only known one another for a few months. It feels good. It feels natural. It doesn’t feel like something that is bound to end in hurt and disaster. We have already taken it far enough that feelings are involved. There’s no walking away now without pain for one or both of us. There are reasons why I can see that this could be dangerous. There are things about both of us that can and probably will create conflict or hurt at some stage. But these are the risks that we take in putting ourselves out there.
I am afraid of liking him too much. It worries me that this isn’t a matter of someone I can just spend a little time with, no strings attached, and see how it goes. I already have ideas in my mind of future time together. It’s not because I have a romantic vision of some rosy future, but rather that the way we are together, the things we have to talk about, make me think that there’s more that a possibility of a love affair, but a solid friendship that could outlast the passion that comes in the early stages of anything.
And yet I feel like I child because my good friend, his good friend, doesn’t think we should go there. It’s like my dad is telling me that I shouldn’t do something, that it’s for my own good that I shouldn’t do it, but he’s not going to tell me why. Apparently there are things that are better left unsaid, but I’m never a big proponent of that because of the way my imagination works. Things left unsaid become great big voids, huge spaces that grow between people and fester and spread. And the “I told you so” that inevitably comes later, the “I told you not to go there” when things fuck up, won’t help anything if I never know what the reason behind this is.
I haven’t spent a night in someone’s bed, completely sober, completely comfortable and excited and willing to be there in ages. The last time this happened it was lust. It was blind and passionate and terrifying and left me a wreck for months. I can’t see this happening here. I won’t rush into anything. I won’t let things get out of hand. Or at least I hope I won’t.
