Back after some thought… and other stuff…

I’m still trying to figure out the concept that because I wasn’t particularly interested in the hot yoga instructor, this made it seem an even better idea for me to sleep with him. Physical craving is a powerful thing. What’s funny is that although I was attracted to him in a sort of objective “wow, he has a great body” kind of way, he definitely wasn’t sending particularly sexual energy in my direction. The most obvious advance that he made was asking if he could kiss me. From there it went the way it did. It was fun, it was great. He’s a really good kisser, and I’m an extremely sensual person. The inner monologue, the voices, simply switched off and allowed me to enjoy sensual pleasure. Mmm…

Last night my lovely yet slightly angst-ridden friend came over for dinner. It was a delightful last minute affair — I had food, she brought wine. We sat and talked for hours, and then after all, we started kissing, and things progressed in the most gorgeous way. Her skin is beautiful. I’ve been attracted to her for months, thinking about when we would possibly cross that line, sort of knowing that it would happen eventually. It is another illustration of how beautiful it is to be with women I care about. The possessiveness doesn’t exist. The night simply is. It’s beautiful, it’s about pleasure. It’s so simple. Yet it’s practically impossible to replicate when it comes to men. Or at least it has been for me.

What is it that drives our bodies? I feel as though I have flicked a switch. I hadn’t had sex in about six weeks. I was feeling rather pleased with my ability to keep my panties on. I had also stopped thinking about it as much. Yet at soon as the drought ends, as soon as I get a taste, it’s all that I can think of. Enjoyable sexual and sensual pleasure. The yoga instructor was fantastic, my friend was wonderful. Stroking, and tickling and touching. Extreme sensation. Heightened by substances, yes, but beautiful nonetheless.

I am still determined to find a way to enjoy a physical relationship with someone and not let it get complicated and imbalanced. I’m not sure how possible this is, although I would really like to try. I have half a mind to send the yoga guy a message asking him what he thinks about going there again in a sort of fun, no strings attached kind of way. I can’t guarantee that feelings won’t develop, but if we’re honest about how we feel and what’s going on, then where’s the harm? Maybe I’ll begin drafting that now.

I am still enjoying a few days’ peace before the havoc begins. The next six weeks are going to be manic.