Waiting

I so felt like I had it all together and here I am fretting about something that’s completely out of my control.

I feel like such a girl. In the worst possible way. It’s silly because I’ve totally figured out how I feel about the Catalyst, about how much I totally messed it all up, and what I want to tell him. I just want to spell it out to him. I don’t even want anything from him — aside from a little time. Am I kidding myself? And the last thing I need right now is to be sitting here at home thinking about it.

I made such a mess of my life this past while. I suppose it makes sense. I was in a totally codependent relationship for three and a half years. You can’t walk away from that and be totally together. So I tried to hide behind the Catalyst in the same way as I had been with the Big Love and it didn’t work. He called me on it so I ran away. It took an attempt at a non-romantic relationship for me to realize the extent to which I try to hide behind people.

So now I don’t want to do that any more. And I totally regret how I acted when I was visiting the Catalyst in the BVI. I mean, obviously I needed the time to figure it out for myself. But now that I have I feel like a bit of an idiot. Plus, I realize just how much I really do still love him. Yeah, I can try to deny it to myself, but why do that? More of this running away bullshit. So now I’m sitting here, wishing that he’d call but also knowing that he very well may not. And I need to accept that and just suck it up and get on with my work or whatever else it is that I really should be doing rather than wishing that the phone would ring.

I’ve reduced myself to a teenager. So unintentionally.

Funny. He mentioned that it might be nice for me to change his name from the Catalyst, but I don’t think he realizes just how much of a catalyst for change he really has been in my life. It’s kind of amazing. Just because he’s a Catalyst doesn’t mean that he isn’t a whole lot more too.

Bleuch. I also want to go out, but everyone’s busy. What can you do, eh?