Learning

I am daily exerting more control over my life, and with it realisations of choices made come hurling themselves at me, surfacing up from the mucky tarpit of feeling and lost and drowned emotion.

I realise now how much is my fault. How willfully blind I have been of my actions. How much I have relied on others for happiness, and even been angered by them if they will not be who I want them to. I ran away from love because I couldn’t hide my fear of myself behind him.  I demonised someone for not allowing me to mold myself to him, for trying to tell me how it is. It’s a shame. It makes me realise just how much growing up I need to do before I can be ready for anyone.

I want love. That’s really all that I want. I want my heart to feel as though it’s going to burst with love. I feel it to an extent. But I want to feel it in return. I know, however, that I cannot run into and hide in those emotions any more. It’s dangerous and tilts everything. I have felt myself slide down that dangerous incline before, unable to gain solid footing, and upset and hurt when my object of affection was unable, unwilling to rescue me from myself.

I need to save myself before I’ll be ready for love. No matter how much I want it. I need to save myself from the evils of wanton attention, from the dictates of the battered child who is my self-esteem.

There’s something that was said a long time ago that still really resonates.

“If I love you, then why do you need the attention of so many other guys?”

I don’t know. Why do I? And how can I be confident enough in myself to learn to reject that attention, even if I’m not in love?