Crossing lines into muddy water

Apparently boundaries are there so that people will stay within their confines. This is a concept I rarely adhere to.

Last night Emo and I went to grab dinner. In discussion of why my life seems to become so messy so easily and frequently, he presented me with the concept that my desire to cross lines coupled with my inability to say no means that I do and will always get myself into tricky situations. The reason there are norms and clear delineations of what is and is not acceptable is to keep people in check. To make people’s lives “normal.” Problem is, I don’t want to be normal. I have spent so much time thinking about the lines and making a concerted effort to cross them, that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to go back to being careful of them. When I was younger, certainly, I was afraid of what might happen if I deviated and crossed over into the grey area between what’s seen as reasonable behaviour by my peers, my elders, and what’s seen as deviant, unacceptable. But now I’m in a place where even my parents seem to accept and enjoy the fact that I’m an explorer, that I’m not willing to say that something is bad until I’ve seen or tried it for myself. But I may have taken this to an extreme. In my search for what’s right for me, I’ve crossed so many lines that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to find my way back to that solid ground upon which most people plant their feet. I want some stability. I want to break conventions but I also want to be able to embrace them if that’s what I feel is right for me. Lately I’ve not only been breaking them, but I’ve been making them impossible for myself to take a hold of. I love exploring — I’m really glad that I’ve spent the last couple of months trying to figure out where my own lines are, sexually, romantically, emotionally. But I’ve realised that I’m pushing myself outside of my comfort zone into dangerous areas where I’m extremely vulnerable. I need to learn to take a few steps back from time to time and find a space that’s amenable to me. It doesn’t mean that I have to stop crossing over. I still prefer the grey area to the black and white of convention. But sometimes sitting right on the line is good too. I don’t always need to push myself so far.

Then there’s the other issue that Emo raised. The one of being incapable of saying “no.” Tough to admit, certainly. But yeah, I have a really hard time saying no. Why do you think I’m so busy all the time? Granted, I enjoy filling up my time (it means that I spend less inside my own head!), but a good part of the reason why I’m so busy all the time is because if someone asks me to do something for them, with them, I usually say yes. If I don’t already have something else I’ve promised someone else I’d do. It’s not really a healthy way to live life. I need to start saying no to other people and yes to myself. I say this now, although I know I’ll have a hard time following through, but this needs to be the summer of me. I need to do things for myself. All of the stuff that I really enjoy. Actually, not even all of it. Some of the things I enjoy. All of them would be a repeat of my usual self-evasion tactics.

Why is it so difficult to listen to oneself? It seems like it should be the most straightforward thing, and yet it’s the one that I struggle with most in my life. As long as I remind myself daily of my goals, keep my solid friends close by and continue on this attempt to wean myself off of male sexual attention, maybe, just maybe, I’ll find some solid ground. It’s still a bit muddy at the moment.