Sometimes I am so erratic it surprises me. I don’t know quite how these waves come on, but I never know quite how to deal with them when they do. It’s as though I have no idea, control or capacity of how they come on. It’s as though there are two really strong personalities duking it out in my head. There’s the part of me that’s still seventeen and stressing the fuck out. And then there’s the 24-year-old who’s looking at the younger version and telling her to chill the fuck out.
The problem is that the stress case seems to have better control over my physical being. Until older me shuts her up with some smoking. The martinis didn’t even seem to work terribly well tonight. I should meditate rather. It would be more constructive.
I need to accept the fact that I’m not fun and I can’t really be much fun right now. No one wants to hang out with a stress case. And I hate unloading on people, but I just did it tonight: three times. Unfortunately I think that I’m generally a peppy enough person that when I’m not in the mood it’s blatantly obvious to all. Not worth even bothering really. Problem is that I want to spend time with people when I’m feeling like this. Maybe I’m just thinking about it too much.
I’ve had too much talk of wanting to have sex with people who live far away. I wish I had a teleporter or a private jet. The teleporter would be key because I wouldn’t have to waste lots of time getting there. I could pop over to Europe, the Middle East, New Zealand, Asia. Haha. Funny that I have people I could have fun with in all of those places. I guess I shouldn’t forget South Africa too then. Although, reconsidering that statement, I would be surprised if I couldn’t find someone to have fun with pretty much anywhere I could go. What’s happened to me? There’s been an odd transformation in my thinking.
It’s weird that I’ve always been a really sexual being, but at the same time extremely selective and careful. And now? Well, definitely still selective, but not quite to the same level. It’s more that I don’t feel quite as freaked out about being with people. I guess the reality is that I haven’t been single for a long time, and before that I never really knew how to hook up with people. I guess I just didn’t have the whole flirting thing down. Well, I did. But I was clueless. I also just don’t feel like I was exposed to as many cool people who I would want to fuck. Tonight, I was out for all of maybe two hours. There were at least five people I interacted with in that time who I would absolutely sleep with. People who I’ve considered in the past and thought hmm… I could deal with that.
Of course, still one guy in particular. It’s funny how wary I am of sleeping with numerous guys. Somehow there’s lot more loaded into it. I mean, I can fool around with a girl and not feel that it reflects anything, but there’s some weird thing about the scene with guys and the closeness and talking. I guess the issue is that it’s really tight and they’re all friends and that’s just not something I think I’d do. No kissing and telling, but still. You never know.
And right now I’m enjoying something and someone who makes me laugh. And I really like fucking him.
***
But then, I guess you never can tell.
