I am extraordinarily tired today. This whole burning out thing is really started to get on my nerves. I don’t want to be tired. I want to be able to go out and have fun and still manage to do everything that I’m supposed to do.
Is this one of those moments when I have to acknowledge that I am getting older and can no longer burn the candle quite as consistently as I could, say, when I was twenty? Problem is, when I was twenty I was far better behaved than I am now, was obsessed with my grades and hardly partied at all. Then I had a much older boyfriend with whom I was content to watch movies and be a bit of a home body. I wasn’t going out and getting drunk on a Wednesday night, acting in a play, going to grad school and still going to yoga at the crack of dawn every morning.
I told the man that I can’t see him until the weekend. Evidently, I was having a little bit of a panic attack at the time, thinking that it would be impossible for me to get all of my work done and be social at the same time. But then again, I can’t really get a lot of work done if I’m really tired, now can I? (Except that perhaps seeing him tonight would add to the tiredness and consequently be counterproductive).
More thinking about him. About having fun. About how great things are at the moment, and how once the play is over and I have a little more time to myself, we can go out and get loaded and take girls home together. Or just end up going home together. Both are pretty good options. I like how good I feel about this, about not feeling pressure, about the fact that every time I get all weird and overly-analytical and me-like, if I ask him about something or tell him something he’s cool with it. Pretty generally cool with things. I love not having issues. I enjoy no-drama. Drama is a waste of time and energy and I’ll be having none of that.
Yesterday I went for a smootie after yoga with one of the other regulars and we got to talking about relationships. This seems to be a consistent theme with him. He appears to really enjoy talking about sex. He was telling me that he’s seeing someone. They’ve been seeing one another for over a month but she is unwilling to call him her boyfriend even though they’re exclusive, spend most nights together and apparently feel pretty strongly about one another. Her issue, as far as he can tell, is that she has too much baggage. This happens as we get older.
My question to him is why does this bother him? Why does he need the title to define what he is seeing as they seem to have a pretty great time together and are effectively together any how. His response is that he’s never been in a long-term relationship, so it feels like this is one, and he wants to call her his girlfriend. Or more so, I think it’s that he wants her to call him her boyfriend. Smug little me is thinking that I’m just ever so pleased not to be using these definitions or letting these titles clutter up my life. I guess that I can say that there’s someone I’m seeing a lot of, who I enjoy spending time with, etc, etc. He may be my lover and friend but he ain’t my boyfriend and there’s something really freeing about that. I don’t have any idea why, but there is. Maybe it’s that I can check out whoever I like without feeling the tiniest bit of guilt.
We both have our eye on a hottie from Vancouver who’s been all over the scene for the past month or so. She’s totally switched on and we’ve both had fun with her on the nights that we’ve hung out. They’re going to see a movie so I’ll probably meet up with them later on tonight. I wonder…
On another note, the Hot Smart Lady and I were chatting this morning on gtalk and I discovered that I hadn’t actually told her about Thursday’s entertainment. She was totally jealous. Very excited by it. Then proceeded to tell me that she misses fooling around with me. Damn, I miss her. Too bad it’s going to be months before we get to see one another again. That last night together was ridiculously hot. So hot. Mmm…gotta love connected sex.
