I’m on break between the morning and afternoon sessions of my yoga course. As much as I want to focus, today is one of those days that makes me think that perhaps I’m just not quite there at the moment with the yoga thing. The last session I was right there. I felt all of the energy despite my fatigue, and was simply rejuvenated by the whole weekend. It blew my mind that I could go on 3 hours sleep a night and still feel intense amounts of energy as a result of the practice and meditation.
But today is kicking my ass. My mind keeps on wandering and all I wanted was to go to sleep when we were in shivasana. I can’t help thinking about what happened on Thursday, about last night at work, and I can see myself slowly sliding into stress. I have an extraordinary amount of work to do, I need to learn the rest of my lines because the play is in 3 weeks and I’m so tired that I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep. (I also really needed to get all of that off my chest.) My mind just won’t rest.
Okay, so here goes.
I’m trying to be honest with myself. That means that I need to step away from my usual patterns of ignoring things that bother me. That also means just talking to the people concerned about the way I feel about things regarding them. Problem is that I’m not totally clear on this myself. However, I’m going to try to make sense of it.
Thursday night was awesome. I still can’t quite believe that it happened. It was just mind blowing. I didn’t feel weird about anything that went down involving me. (There was one thing that I wasn’t sure of, but I’ll go into that in a second. It was more of an afterthought than a concern at the time). I guess the main thing is, I don’t actually know what or how I feel about the man in question now that this happened. I don’t know that emotionally and mentally things are aligned on this point. There’s a part of me that does feel like what happened has and will change our whole relationship, but then there’s another part of me that thinks that it could be a great thing and I’m just hesitant because it really goes pretty deep into unexplored territory.
The thing that has started to worry me a bit since Thursday night is bodily fluids. I hadn’t thought about it at all until yesterday, but one of the reasons life is just that little bit easier when you are only with one partner is that you know what you’re getting (well…hopefully not getting). Any time you’re with more people you’re taking a little risk, especially if you throw caution to the wind and make that terribly bad call that the person you’re with is too nice to have anything. (I already made that mistake once — not going down that road again.) So that’s a little concern, but I think that I’m possibly focusing on it rather than what’s really going on.
Fuck. Okay. So the weird thing? We had this crazy build up to what was going to be the first time anything would actually happen between us. And then it wasn’t just us. So rather than feeling like there’s the possibility of an us (with other girls on the side — I don’t think either of us really want to give up that option), I feel like the us could potentially based on the other girls. The fact that I’m rather emotionally e-tarded might mean that I’m totally blowing this out of proportion, and that the two of us will hang out some time this week and watch a movie and all of the tension and desire and excitement will be back again, and we’ll fool around and it’ll be awesome. And then? Well, after this week’s girlfest, I am pretty keen. Very keen. More girls. Girls are fun. Mmm…
So yeah. I know I sound like a huge contradiction because I don’t want to get into a relationship (trans: I think I need to be single for a while), but then on the flip side, I think it could be really interesting and fun to try out something incredibly unconventional, somewhat hedonistic, and very definitely polyamorous. I don’t need any sort of labels: a) I think it will be fun to confuse people and b) why the fuck is my personal life any of their business anyhow? I guess what it comes down to is just talking to the Partner in Crime and seeing what he thinks.
Still the same.