Why is it that there are some relationships with some people that just don’t work the way you want them to?
I seem not to know what I’m doing when it comes to the Catalyst. I sent him a message on Valentine’s Day telling him that I can’t do this any more. I avoided going on msn because I didn’t want to talk to him. But today I’m sitting here and I’ve been online and he pops up and gets upset with me because “the only thing he wants is for me to be happy and be myself” and that’s exactly what I can’t be when I’m with him.
Why can’t I be myself with him? Maybe it’s because it was so soon after things with the Big Love that I didn’t really know who I was. I was so swept away with his professions of love that all I wanted was to be this person — this wonderful girl who wasn’t flirtatious, and had eyes only for him; who wasn’t really insecure and didn’t need to have academic conversations to be happy. I think the problem is that I so badly wanted him, and the feeling that he gave (gives) me, that I would do anything to change, really. But he doesn’t want me to change. And I’m no good at sticking up for myself, so when he’d get on my case about being snooty or academic or whatever else he got at me about, it would really go deep and make me feel like it was a true flaw, when it’s just part of who I am.
What really gets me now is that there’s a big part of me that it truly still addicted to him, but then the rest of me knows that it isn’t healthy. If he makes me feel bad, then I should just let go of it. Yet, every time I talk to him I feel as though I need to keep the connection going, that somehow I’d be losing something really huge if I just walk away. Fortunately he gets that I need to deal with this — that I need to figure out how to be myself — and is willing to give me the space that I need. I do still want to see him in April. I think. He’ll be in town for a few days before my meditation course, so depending on what happens in my life between now and then, I’ll at least have the option.
One last time? Or is that really bad?
