In this last week, I haven’t sat in front of a computer for more than the few moments it takes to check emails and make sure that the world around me hasn’t for some reason stopped or become catastrophic. I don’t know what’s happening in the world news and I don’t really mind either.
I do know that while I’m on an absolutely beautiful little island in the Caribbean, the rest of the world is ticking ahead around me and most of the people I know and love are still doing the same things they usually do — hence not really wanting to now how blissful my stay here is so far.
Actually, it’s been pretty mixed up. I’m a little bit of a mess emotionally, as I was when I left, so coming to spend two weeks with the Catalyst is something that I didn’t know how I was going to react to. It’s always difficult to step into someone else’s life and be perfectly fine, especially when there are all sorts of expectations involved and love and insecurity and other crazy emotions. As we already know, I’m altogether too good at living inside my own head and tying myself up in knots, which I successfully did for a few days last week when I felt like the Catalyst didn’t really want me here (which he really did and was telling me although I wasn’t really hearing it). Essentially, I was just obsessing about minutiae, while he has his whole life here to think about. He also doesn’t want to let me turn him into one of those people who have always existed alongside me in my life — the other on whom I can mold my actions and change myself for — which makes it quite difficult for me to know what to do. How horribly confusing is that? And sort of pathetic too…
It’s weird because he really sees those certain things about me that most people let slide and never talk about. I wish that he didn’t tell me some of the things he does, but then at the same time it is really good for me to hear it because no one else ever says these things. It cuts really deep to be told that the reason people pay me a certain type of attention is because of the attention that I pay them. It’s hard to swallow the fact that I do spend a disproportionate amount of my time trying to be the person I see others projecting for me. That’s exactly who I was with the Big Love, with the Tall Girl, with the majorly f-ed up high school Ex…with freaking little Blonde Bitch when I was five years old. And I hide behind the fact that it’s a defense mechanism and that it’s a way in which I protect myself, but really when you’re not capable of being yourself and spend all of your time using other stronger people as props (and creating a codependent system with them because they come to rely on your being this perfect person in their life who fulfills their needs), who is really gaining anything in the long-run aside from an illusory reality that is in time going to shatter?
So as much as he drives me crazy and makes me feel vulnerable and insecure he also makes me feel beautiful and amazing in that he sees the someone else in me — the bits that I do really like about myself, the bits that are real — and still wants to be with me because of those parts. I feel sort of like a project to him, which gives me a bit of a sick feeling inside. He tells me that he doesn’t want to change me but he also tells me all sorts of things about myself that aren’t really likeable and are things that I do want to change. So it’s hard. I want him so badly but I don’t know what to do to be the person who he wants to be with. He says that I just have to be myself, but I’m not so sure that I even know how to do that.
I feel like I’m going around in circles.
It’s been storming here a lot. Huge winds, downpours of rain, squalls and what have been some rather exciting nights of flapping curtains and hammering rooftops.
