I am the luckiest girl in the world. I just spent the last half hour chatting with my brother. I have such absolutely amazing people in my life. I have an amazing family. I love my parents and my bro as friends and human beings as well as my family and I couldn’t be luckier. My brother is so fucking awesome and I can’t believe how well we get along. It’s no surprise that mom got all choked up at Thanksgiving dinner.
I was at New Age Girlie’s last night and we had dinner and she pulled cards for me. The cards were amazing. I pulled the Chariot, the High Priest, the Sun and the Tower. The things that came out of it were so spot on . Travelling, heat, new beginnings. Assurance that I had made the right decisions, that good things are coming to me. The Tower did show that there would be a little disaster, or more that I would be descending rather than ascending a staircase momentarily, but I can see that in my life and relationships and think that perhaps even that’s over now because of the day I had yesterday and how much time was spent being the focus of other people’s upsets.
Something I’ve realised is that I haven’t been very good at looking at the big picture. Spending time with the Big Love isn’t something I’m ready for because I’ve never been his friend and we still need to figure out how to be together without being together. My relationship with the Catalyst is something that I want to and need to focus more on. I felt like such a monster when I realised how selfish I was being in practically refusing to turn myself around and see where he’s coming from. Of course it hurts him to see me go through this emotional turmoil, and of course it makes him feel vulnerable because it takes any solid footing and shakes it up.
I am going in the right direction. It makes me feel wonderful to think that I am reclaiming my life and that things are going to start really coming together. There is growing up to do. A whole lot of it, in fact. And there will be moments of weakness and little slip-ups, but for the most part I do feel and know that I am making positive changes and moving forwards and that things are starting to come together. I have a lot of travelling in my future, which is the most beautiful knowledge. I also have heat and sun and new love and new beginnings happening and coming into my life, which are so very welcome at this stage of things. I need to monitor how I act with the Catalyst. I need to realise that I do have certain destructive and selfish tendencies, and that I can’t just be reckless with his love. I don’t want to be, at all, it’s just that my reckless tendencies can get me into a whole lot of unforeseen trouble, and I just don’t want that.
I think one of the most important changes that have come about recently is the new realisation and understanding that I have to take responsibility for my actions and think about what I do for longer rather than thrashing all over the place like a little fish that’s just jumped out of the fishbowl.
I’ve always been a thinker when it comes to externalities, but when it’s about my own life, I’m pretty terrible at being properly self-reflexive. Such a silly little girl.
Oh, but I feel good about my decisions. I know what I need to do. I just need to be strong and do it.
Yesssss….
