Winter has begun here. The bright sunshining crispness that hardens your jeans and illuminates your breath overtook the city this morning, and while it’s a grimace-worthy cold if underattired, there is a certain glorious beauty in the cold mixed with sunshine. The last traces of autumn lit up as if glowing embers signifying the last moments of a blazing fire, soon to die out.
I love and hate Montreal at this time of year. It reminds you like a slap in the face that life isn’t constant here, that things not only change, but change so dramatically that your existence becomes dependent upon the weather report. That ten second internet check in the morning can make or break your day.
I am confused about my snapdragons. Although today was somewhere around seven below, they are still alive and well out on my balcony, not even looking worse for wear. In fact, I’m convinced that they are still blooming anew, the final few buds obstinately opening up to the now weakened rays of the sun. My flowers inside seem to be delighted in their new environment. Everything continues to bloom, and seem to have found a gorgeous state of equilibrium where one flower opens as the last closes and drops to the ground, as though acknowledging that the grandeur of the new bloom deserves centre stage.
The only plants I have that don’t seem happy are my geranium (which has some sort of illness and is covered in dark spots with yellowing leaves) and the green sweet potato plant which must have heard that it’s Fall outside and is dropping its leaves like nobody’s business. Try as I might, it doesn’t seem to want to be revived, although I have hope yet.
Perhaps it’s lonely for the other plants in the kitchen. Maybe the constantly blooming hibiscus plants in my bedroom is embarrassing it.
I’m in a remarkably good mood this evening. Perhaps it is because for the first time in a week I don’t have a headache and I didn’t even take anything to help the pain today. Not one little pill. Things are also starting to come together in the hectic mania that is my scholarly existence. I realised that my presentation for sexuality is only ten minutes long, which is a positive walk in the park. Plus, I’ve finally become excited about my topic, and don’t think that it’s going to take nearly as much time as I had anticipated to get through the research. Hoorah!
I shan’t bore you with my schoolwork, however. How about some juicy details about my life?
I spent a good chunk of time while on public transport fantasizing about the Catalyst. I know that one isn’t supposed to fall into futuristic fantasizing…actually, I don’t know who told me that you shouldn’t but apparently it’s dangerous to do it. I suppose if I really wanted to protect myself I wouldn’t sit with a silly grin on my face and imagine all of the things we could be doing together, starting with my visit to him in a couple of weeks (16 days to be exact) and extending pretty far into the future. Well, as far as I’m willing to see…although how far is for me to know (I don’t want to jinx it or anything). However, I have started giving a little more weight to my daydreams, not in a creepy stalker kind of way, but in a hopeful “I wonder if this is going to work out for real” kind of way. It’s a great feeling to have emotions bubbling up under the surface that occasionally erupt into impromptu little smiles and giggles. Or when a memory or thought or touch or look enters into your head and you get a rush of giddiness and can’t help smiling to yourself. Your own little private moment of happiness.
I want to share those moments too. I try to tell him when it rushes over me (in fact, I don’t want to know how much my bill for long distance text messages is going to be. Whatever it is is rather absurd), but I can’t tell him every time because I don’t think I would get much else done.
Joy to new love. I know I’ve said it before but my plants seem to know. Even with all of this pain in the neck business it’s difficult to despair when it meant that I got to spend rather large chunks of time every day talking to him. Although we haven’t talked tonight. He’s off working, I think. Or the internet in the BVI is down…or something. Maybe he’s off with some hot holiday-makers. BOOOOO. Actually we got into quite the discussion about that last night. The fact that I still have a hard time accepting that I can actually have what I want and that for real…he wants me and doesn’t want to spoil it by being with anyone else while we aren’t together. Amazing. It makes me feel all gooey and happy… and a little scared. But I think you need to feel a little insecure or the butterflies would go away. I just hope that I manage to figure myself out enough and learn to be honest and acknowledge the validity of my feelings before I mess everything up. I don’t want to mess this up…it’s the most exciting, wonderful way to be. I guess that’s why I’m scared.
