I’m feeling pretty sad tonight. Actually, I feel like I can’t do anything right. Way to go Turbo, revert back to the old ways. It’s like there’s this switch in me that whenever it seems like I’m either upsetting someone or might get in trouble, then I default to saying what I think they want to hear. Which is bullshit.
Another thing that’s really upsetting me is that today I actually miss the Big Love. It’s not that I want him back or anything like that; I just miss him. And it makes me feel particularly bad because I feel like I shouldn’t. I feel like it’s not fair to the Catalyst for me to miss the Big Love, but then, what’s fair to me? I need to own my emotions, don’t I? Well, so here’s owning my emotions. I miss him. I’m looking forward to his coming back to Montreal so that we can hang out. He’s my best friend after all. And yeah, we did become codependent, and breaking up was most certainly for the best, but there are times when I wish he was here.
This is all particularly tough because I don’t want the Catalyst to think that it has anything to do with him or us. I don’t want him to think that the fact that the Big Love’s still lingering changes the way I feel for him, because it doesn’t. And I know that he’s going to go on lingering, and then he’s going to get here, and hopefully by then everything will be comfortable and okay, and the Catalyst won’t have to worry because he’ll know how unbelievable strong my feelings for him are, and the Big Love and I will be able to just be friends and not have to throw everything away and be like those people who never manage to resolve their differences after a breakup.
Oh man…it devastates me to think that I could act as foolishly as I have in the past with the Catalyst, to try to “protect” him from the way that I act. Goddamn I’m a tool sometimes.
So I feel like shit right now. I feel like I’m still lost, still going through the same old destructive motions, don’t really feel like I deserve the love of these people who go out of their way to make sure that I know how they feel about me. Why do I do it? It’s totally destructive and useless. Way to sabotage your own happiness, girlie.
Well, I have to leave for work. I’m tired and sad and still sick, but what can you do? Money makes the world go ’round after all.
