I think I actually might have fallen for him. It’s really strange too, because it scares me so much that he really sees me so well and just wants me to be me and happy. I changed myself so much to be with the Big Love. I truly was the person I thought he wanted me to be. And part of it was true, but in a big way it way me molding myself to him. I suppose that life can be lived that way, but it was inevitable for an explosion to take place sooner or later because I wasn’t being true to myself. This is what I need to learn. I need to discover how to be true to myself, and actually be real.
This week was quite strange. Monday, I hung out with my cute musician former co-worker neighbour, who I had a lot of fun with, and was a little surprised when he gave me an extra long hug good night after asking me if I wanted to walk up by his place. Hmm…. Apparently I shouldn’t be surprised that male friends change tracks, because “all guys want to have sex, and when a good-looking friend is single, of course he’ll try.” Thanks Big Daddy, you’re full of good tips. Tuesday, I went to see a play with AnarchoFem, after which we met up with some friends including one guy, Intellectual Guy, very intelligent, although I think overcompensating a little for something. Got rather drunk, and lo and behold, he was inviting himself back to my place for a night cap. We did have a long drunken, interesting conversation, but I wasn’t expecting him to actually try to get into my pants. And then Wednesday there was the hot French guy who lives on my street and who I coincidentally ran into on the very same day I was thinking about leaving a note to ask him out for a drink. Turns out he has a girlfriend (as did Intellectual Guy), who he loves, but clearly he doesn’t have enough reason to think that perhaps calling me and suggesting that we hang out at my apartment rather than going out for a drink might be more than he can handle. Or maybe he did think that and just wanted to see what would happen anyhow. He was fun. Not the Catalyst, but fun.
And that’s sort of what it comes down to. I want the Catalyst. I think about him and it makes me feel good. I feel him inside me. I feel like a kid. I’m scared and excited and happy and confused all at the same time. I know that I’m not ready to just throw myself into another relationship, that I need to take a serious amount of time for myself, but I can do that with him because he’s not actually here. He’s far enough away that I can take time and space to figure out what I want and what’s good for me and what makes me happy and who I really am. But he’ll be here too. Even though he’s there. And he openly expresses how much he likes me, and I wanted to run away from it, but truthfully it is an amazing connection and we shouldn’t run away from it. It’s electric and burns under my skin. It makes me tingle, feel the hairs standing on end. I feel filled up with this sort of excitement. When I think of him I sail away into thought, and a smile curves the edge of my lips. He is here although he isn’t here, but he is. How did he just drop into my life and change it forever? The Big Love, hurting, noted that wouldn’t it have been nice for the Catalyst to have been here so that we could see if we really did have something. And well, I think we do. And I don’t know that the distance will make it worse. In fact, I think that perhaps the distance will help us because I need this time to figure out what’s going on with me in my own life.
I think I might love him.
